As tears roll down my face, i feel like i should finally write to you everything i never had the guts to say. Along the way of our crossed paths, i’ve come to realize that holding back the words won’t be good for any of us. Truth be told, i’m still patiently waiting for a better way to express myself. Wanted to use words as beautiful and amazing as you are, but the dictionary isn’t being very helpful. So i guess i might aswell just say what’s crossing my mind, what makes me scared and what makes me cry. I don’t know what am i supposed to do anymore. What am i supposed to say. How am i supposed to feel. But i tried, over and over again. Believe me, i have tried.
When we met i never thought i would fall in love. I didn’t think love existed - and i found it did with you. I keep on thinking about it. All those nights spent awake looking at you through the screen. Seeing you smile. All those times i wanted to kiss you. Every single time i wanted to hold you in my arms and never let you go. Looking back, i honestly wish i had been more brave, wish i had ran after you like i wanted to. Like i should have. Distance didn’t seemed to matter anyway, i just let you in my life to take care of my soul like nobody else did.
All those wishes we shared, all the times we said we would ran away together… It all feels like just a distant dream. Somehow i can’t forget about it. I can’t forget the sound of your voice at 3am in the morning saying you loved me. I can’t forget the look in your eyes. The way you smiled. It’s funny, isn’t it ? How life can simply turn around so quickly ? How one heart can simply know that it was meant to be ?
It all seemed so perfect, i had finally found my happy ending. You came into my life and you saved me. You healed my heart, comforted my soul and eased my mind. And i thought everything was okay, until she came into your life. I don’t blame you for what happened next, i swear to God i don’t. It’s nobody’s fault. Nobody’s except, maybe, mine. I should have come to you sooner, i should have done everything i could and every single day i blame myself for not going, for not running after you. If i did maybe your heart would still be calling me.
I blame nobody but myself for all the hugs you didn’t gave me. For all the kisses we never had the chance to share. For all the nights we spent apart. Every single day i wish you were here. Would things be any different if i had ran after you ?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry i was selfish for wanting you always in my life. I’m sorry for crying when i knew she spent the night, and i’m sorry for thinking i never had the chance to do the same. I’m sorry i didn’t ran after you. I’m sorry i made you feel guilty for loving her. I’m sorry i’m so lost without you. I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You’re my best friend. My healer. My saviour. I promise i will always be by your side, taking care of you like you took care of me. Please, my love, tell your heart that it is not to blame, tell your heart that all is forgiven. But let your heart know that i’m here, always.
I’m here now. My soul is undressed, my heart is opened. Every single word i wrote is like a knife on my chest. I’m guessing that’s the price of honesty. Better yet, it’s the price of holding on to words i never thought i would say in my life. I never thought i would admit i failed. Or that i was wrong. Or that i’m to blame. But also, i never expected to love you the way that i do.
I love you. Just three little words. Seems so meaningless. In fact, if you tell them to the wrong person they don’t mean a thing. But honestly, i was never more certain of anything in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but i love you. I do, i love you. I LOVE YOU. I’m crazy about you. I think about you all the time, and not a day goes by that i don’t wish i would just let it all go and come to you. Every night i wake up looking for you in my bed.
I want you to know that i love you enough to let you go. I love you enough to give up my feelings in order to pay attention to yours. I love you enough to help you with some other girl. I love you enough to love you without asking for you to love me back.
I don’t know what to do without you here. Honestly, i don’t. I’m lost. I just hope that, if one day you read this, you smile because you feel like in spite of all the hate in this world, all the mistakes you and i made, all tears and all the pain, there is one person who truly loves you. There is a person you mean the world to. And everyday i will smile knowing that person is me. You mean the world to me.
Just please, remember that i will always love you.
Yours forever,
Your best friend.
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